Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer