I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
A Short Story.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question