I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
another case of gang violins
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.