PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.