I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Goodnight 🐶
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.