Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
i made a craigslist ad !
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”