@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

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@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@with_a_ph23

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

@Laser_Cat

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

@rcromwell4

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

@NikiWithIssues

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

@ScottLinnen

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

@bencoffeehall

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

@Ygrene

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..