I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.