Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
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My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?
CAR: Well, I’m very driven
Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Best coffee I ever had was the one that stayed on my bumper for 7 miles