@theshantilly

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

You Might Also Like

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

@AndrewNadeau0

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

@highinamerica

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?

CAR: Well, I’m very driven

@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.