“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

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My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.


Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?


If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.


1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.


Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that


To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.


I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.


ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.