My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
You Might Also Like
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.
2)Dress as a cop.
3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.
Nothing keeps you humble quite like Saran Wrap.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.