@theshantilly

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

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@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@alanalda

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

@jitka

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

@dtrainboy

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

@TheRolo

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

@TheBoydP

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

@michaelianblack

Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.

@mela_shea

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air