i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
hackers play passwordle
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.