@sbellelauren

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

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@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

@KeetPotato

[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

@VisionBored1

Son: Mommy we’re playing with bonks!

Me: Don’t you mean books?

Son: *bonks brother on the head with a book* No

@garrydavenport

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

@Lisabug74

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

@TheHarmonster

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

@KalvinMacleod

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?