i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Always…
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.