@QwertyJones3

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

- @QwertyJones3

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@Crap_Advisor

I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@trevso_electric

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

@causticbob

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

@jergarl

87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.

@StarWarsProblms

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.