“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
i think both sides are to blame here
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago