“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

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News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.


Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.


My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”


Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I’d always pick you. How ’bout you?

Dog: No question–I’d save me too.


*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”



Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?


Me: My smile?


*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?


Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!


Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?


Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body


In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.