News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I’d always pick you. How ’bout you?
Dog: No question–I’d save me too.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Me: My smile?
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.