“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
every. time.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
This is the coolest video you will see today.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up