I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Incredible customer service.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.