I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
OMG 🤣🤣
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I am all good here, 😂😉
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Need this in my life lol