@Brianhopecomedy

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

@marcia_bee

Imagine me in bed.

Wrong.

Wetter.

Wrong again.

Wetter.

Wrong AGAIN!

Soaking wet.

This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!

@NewDadNotes

[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.

@DareDarilyn

Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.

@murrman5

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo