This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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Imagine me in bed.
This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!
[in the club]
Me: did it hurt?
Cute Girl: excuse me?
Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?
Cute Girl: yes it did.
Me: once again I am so sorry.
Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.
snowmen don’t need scarves, idiots.
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian