I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
You Might Also Like
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster