Home #decor warning.
You Might Also Like
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter