I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.

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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in


date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex


me: *yelling* avada kedavra


[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”


Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”


The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.


If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.


The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.


If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.