@1Happytwit

I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.

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@EazeAli4

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

@16bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@Donnie_Fairburn

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

@LurkAtHomeMom

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

@aeharder

The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.

@thexythara

If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.

@Vivalazoso

The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.

@GibJimson

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.