“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.