I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
People buying plungers never look happy.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
And bowling should be called pinball
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️