I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”


Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”


[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa


I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.


Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.


I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.


I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.


*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]


I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.