I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much