Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
english words that pitbull knows: