Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.