If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
no regrets
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.