I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

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Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today


friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said


5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?



5: I’ll borrow another dollar.


Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.


First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.


[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”


Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”


I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.