I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.