I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?