Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.