I know I’m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name

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[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.


I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.


*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*


*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*


Help my knee is made of magnets


Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”


Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like


Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.


*watching a scary movie*

7 y/o daughter: They’re just people in masks, right Dad?

*blankets pulled over my head* “Sure, if you say so”


You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.


Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.


If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.