Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The glory of fall.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Girl, same.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.