“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.