I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Important reminders
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.