If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED
Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes