@UncleDuke1969

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

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@SondraDeeMe

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

@jennifereblue

I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!

@The_GetawayGirl

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@ashmensch

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

@megsaystweet

My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes