I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?