I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”