I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Dudes named Chance never had one.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.