Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm