I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
For when Tinder doesn’t work