@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

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@KalvinMacleod

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

@bourgeoisalien

I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?

@TheCatWhisprer

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

@MaraWritesStuff

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

@LeBearGirdle

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

@Eagle_Vision

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.

@BraandoCommando

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

@Turbo_Jimmy

*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

@WheelTod

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners