I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
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I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners