I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You Might Also Like
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.