@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

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@RichardDawkins

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

@Maxine12333

If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”

@TechnicallyRon

Christmas as a child: “Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!”
Christmas as an adult: “SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU”

@eric10F

Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.

@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

@OctopusCaveman

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

@50FirstTates

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

@Contwixt

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.