I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.