@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

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@Carmel_Coleman

You’re more likely to find something when you’re not looking for it. Right now, I’m not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.

@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@desukidesu

bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-

me: wait they called?

bully: well tha-

me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM

@peterjames48

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

@realHamOnWry

Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.

@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

@briancthayer

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

@c12h22o11balls

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass