I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Saturday
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
j o i m p
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*