I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.