I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My teenage children choosing violence
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Oceanography is all about current events
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies