For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.