Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.
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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I hate Walmart.
The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.
The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.