@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

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@ImKevinito

Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.

@Lisa_Laughs_

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

@murrman5

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

@Chhapiness

FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb

@TheToddWilliams

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

@anthonyzach

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.