
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
LMFAO
mentally somewhere in italy