@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

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@o__0Dev

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

@KateWhineHall

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@robin_991

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

@UnfilteredMama

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

@3sunzzz

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

@droidbears

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

@tayandmae

According to my current parking spot I’m a physician