I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.