I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board