@SvnSxty

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

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@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@shutupmikeginn

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

@perlhack

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

@VisionBored1

Dear 2020,

If you’re going to keep taking things and people away from me could you at least take 5 lbs while you’re at it?

Love,
VB

@debon7

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

@luvsoralfun

Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore…

@thepaulahunt

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

@TheAlexNevil

Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.

@mydmac

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT