I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Feels like the fourth month in January
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.