I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.