Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.