@chadchaines

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

@jellybnbonanza

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

@HiddleDeeDee

The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

@Hormonella

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

@OctopusCaveman

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

@isabelzawtun

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.