I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun


Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.


The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.


Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.


[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.


“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.


Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car


GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.