My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
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Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.