@dshack8

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

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@david8hughes

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

@WilliamAder

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.

@sara_ashlynn

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

@bartandsoul

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

@Sarcasticsapien

I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.

@chuuew

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

@mydmac

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

@TheBoydP

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!