“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.