“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

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What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.


“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.


I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.


My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.


Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.


I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.


[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”


*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.


Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!