Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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found this cool rock hiking today
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
need him
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I have a new favorite meme page
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.