I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
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If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The three genders.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person