I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
You Might Also Like
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.