I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[shakes fist at other fist]
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.