I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
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Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.