@squirrel74wkgn

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

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@Staggfilms

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

@bornmiserable

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

@TheBoydP

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

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@HansGrubertron

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

@Dana_MuChick

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Me: Not on the first date.
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@EJGomez

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

@Glitta_J

If im walking around with my arms crossed, there’s a 90% chance im not mad…Im just probably not wearing a bra

@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@captainkalvis

You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong