I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
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My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
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If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.